Death or Glory, It's Just Another Story

In Celebration of my 26th Birthday Tomorrow.

2008-10-13T01:32:10Z

Another day, another dollar, another bill collecting caller.

Disillusioned, let down, cause all my heroes are junkies now.

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same,

another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed.

I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right,

hard pressed to make it better, but I got no will to fight.

26 and I'm flat broke, I've been down so long I have given up hope.

Shattered nerves anxiety, so much more than I wanted to be.

I often wonder what went wrong, but I can't remember, it's been too long.

Think out loud things I want to change,

but I know I never will I'm gonna stay this way.

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same,

another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed.

I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right,

hard pressed to make it better, but I got no will to...

Is this my great reward, servitude and solitude,

a lifetime of chances I have blown

i woulda coulda shoulda been so much more than I really am,

and it's nobody else's fault but my own.

Another day, another dollar, another bill collecting caller.

Disillusioned, let down, cause I'm nothing more than a fuck up now.

I've been down this road, in the end it's all the same,

another day I'm getting older, another day nothing has changed.

I've been down this road, I'm wrong when I know I'm right,

hard pressed to make it better, but I got no will to fight

I Don't Know Anymore

2008-10-07T03:17:19Z

I just sort of don't care about anything at all anymore...or maybe I just wish I didn't care.

I Am Scared For the Youth of America

2008-08-21T05:48:46Z

I got the job at CVHS teaching English. I was hired yesterday and start on Tuesday. I am teaching two classes of Sophomore English, one class of Advanced ELD (English language learners), and a class where I tutor/help kids pass the High School Exit Exam. I am really scared of trying to do all of this seeing as I am not traditionally an English teacher. The staff at CVHS has been super helpful and supportive, but I cannot help but feel slightly overwhelmed. I know that I'll do a fine job though, but this year is going to be a rough one.
Still I am making a decent amount of money and getting a lot of experience. Also, unless I was teaching World CIvilizations again, I'd have started from scratch making curriculum all over again. I just that I had at least one more week to prepare, because I have found myself feeling so overwhelmed on occasion that I go distract myself for a precious 30mins to avoid feeling overwhelmed. I shall rise to the occasion though, and take it all in stride with a smile.

Random Thoughts

2008-08-18T19:07:48Z

I have been in my new place in Oakland for about a week now. I really like our apartment. It's in great condition, it is HUGE (seriously it's like a decent sized house), and my roommates kick ass. I really like how clean, respectful, and overall nice every is so far. My room is pretty big too, considering I have a full bookcase, queen size bed (no more twin for me!), desk, and coffee table with plenty of room to boot.
Today I find out if I passed the English CSET. I don't think that I did...it was pretty fucking hard and I did not have any time to study for it since I took it while teaching summer school. Still they're trying to find some way to hire me at CVHS. I just want to make enough money every month not to have to freak out constantly. I find out 5PM whether or not I passed.
Nothing much else is going on in my life, but I am sort of OK with that for right now. I am just waiting for school to start again so I can sub, and I'll continue to cater. I am going to try and find another job that starts at about 4 and goes to about 10. I figure that by working three jobs I won't have time to piss away money.
Anyways this is boring as shit to read. Hell, I am bored typing it. Time to hit the shower, pick up an application to sub in Albany, and then play some Condemned.

Yhup.

2008-08-02T06:03:02Z

I dont care who you've been sleeping with these days
You're outta my hair
It's growing just above my smiling face that I wear
Every night I drink myself to sleep
Not thinking about you
Not thinking about anything at all

I don't care who you've been dining with these days
It's more than fair
Much rather be drinking anyways
With my friend Peter
Who lives so fucking far away
Yet not as far as you
Even though you live right down my fucking street

And I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

I dont care who you've been kissing on these days
It's out of my hands
and in my mouth with such a pleasant taste
I need a beer to wash it all away without a trace
And then i'll drink 23 more
To wipe this stupid smile off my fucking face

I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all those drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

This Sums It Up

2008-07-22T20:00:04Z

It's an autumn day right now inside my head
And the leaves are turning brown outside
Summer now is dead
And after all this time that I have had alone
I wish I could return to the place that I call home
But I know that I won't
remember when you played those songs of yesterday
that bring back all the good times
and the feel of better days
With all the dying ambiance my mind sits still
Nostalgia sets in again and takes me back to feel
That loneliness inside me that reminds me of
Familiar devil winds that blow into and through my soul
And now I'll never now
remember when you played those songs of yesterday
that bring back all the good times
and the feel of better days
And now that I am here with eyes that swell with tears
I realize that there is something wrong
With living in those days
I can't relive those autumn days

I Know Some Day, My Day Will Come...

2007-11-22T09:39:35Z

Hope...

Another Day, Another Dollar

2007-05-26T16:57:42Z

Yesterday I worked my catering job for the first time. The woman who runs it was really nice, but in all honesty I did not know what the hell I was doing. I tried my best and I guess that's all you can do. We worked the graduation of the SF Music Academy. All I had to do was prep food, but it out, clean up after people while re-filling things, and then clean up. It was odd for me too because I was the only guy working with 5 women (well three of them were about my age and the other two were my parents age) and all they did was gossip about other workers and stuff like that...not really conversation that I could dive into. Anyways I have a few more jobs with them set up but the woman who runs the business is going on vacation so I don't know what I am going to do in terms of a summer job.

I cam home from work and was ready to get out of the house because that I is something I rarely do anymore. When Ryan turned out to be busy or whatever, I realized that my evening was done at 4 because I had no one else to go out with. Billy talked with me around 8 and we ended going up to this "party" deal around 10 in Oakland around , which was really about 7 people I did not know (and in all honesty do want to know) getting drunk and high. Since I was DD and had lost all motivation at that point I wasn't going to drink and Billy was tired and had to get up early so he didn't drink so we basically just hung out for about 45mins and then went home. I am glad I got out of the house because I was starting to majorly feel like shit, both angry and sad at the same time.

Today will be another boring day.

Meh...

2007-05-24T04:33:43Z

"Pump Up The Valium"

One time weekly rate
12 by 12 foot room
Strapped down to the bed
Now pump up the valium

My mind is wide asleep
My conscience deep awake
The promises I keep
Are not the ones I make
I count the caustic causes
I lost count of regrets
A surplus of good intentions
Don't provide me with content
All I want is just a little content

One time monthly rate
Still no breathing room
Pressure's building up
So pump up the valium

I choose the beaten path
I've been to where it leads
Why I keep coming back
A mystery to me
I found what I've been seeking
It's too late for me to care
My aspiration's leaking
From a hole I can't repair
Maybe I just don't want it repaire

A Message To You Rudy

2007-05-22T19:05:46Z

I got the catering job for Friday. I get $15 an hour for Friday and if the woman likes me then I'll get more jobs at $20 an hour. Hopefully she does because then I could actually make some money this summer and do something. It will be nice to actually make some money again.

I went for a run yesterday. I haven't run in months and I was able to do three miles. I know that's not a lot but I was stoaked that I could do it. I think I will go again today.

My family and my cousin are going to the Giants game tonight with tickets we got from my uncle and the seats are amazing. Like seriously we're a handful of rows back from the field. I need to bring my glove because apparently line drives are hit to these seats all of the time. I also get to see rookie phenom Tim Lincecum pitch. The guy is 22 but looks like he is seriously 16. I love it.

I like how when I get sad I withdraw into my comfort zone: bass playing, buy comic books, and playing video games. I need to be more social but honestly I have very few friends within my local area. This could potentially be a REALLY long summer.

It's really hot right now (like 90's). I am having trouble sleeping. I have to go baby sit my fucking cat while me mom cleans her bathroom.

We Did It All For Don

2007-05-21T03:47:50Z

I am tired of being alone. I feel empty. I am going to go play video games then sleep and hope tomorrow brings a brighter day.

Give Me Just A Second To Crush Your Two Bit Theories

2007-05-20T17:50:07Z

Well I am done with State for the summer. My last class left me with the line of "Teaching is the second loneliest profession next to truck driving." If that is not motivation, I don't know what the Hell is. I really like being in class and teaching but I feel so much pressure to do well that I am afraid i might burn myself out. I am glad school is done though.

I went to the Giants and As game on Friday with Ryan and company and saw the Giants got the shit kicked out of them. I am going again today with my dad and hopefully they won't get swept. I saw 28 Weeks later with Eric yesterday, and it was really solid.

I am stoaked not being in school but I realize that unless I get this catering job, I am going to have to job hunt for a shitcore summer job, which sucks. I wish more of my friends lived by me...it's so expensive to drive to Sf or SC...honestly it costs me like $15 bucks every time I go anywhere.

Bleh...

In the Home Stretch

2007-05-16T05:49:56Z

As of Thursday I will be on summer vacation from San Francisco State. I cannot wait for the break. I can go observe more at my school site and even squeeze in a few days of substitute teaching and make a few bucks. I am looking forward to this in the worst way possible. I need sometime to recover and gather my wits. I think I'll drink too much beer this weekend.
    Today was the last day of one of my classes and my friend Martin gave me a rad picture that he took that shows Dan Vapid (founding and lifetime member of Screeching Weasel) watching Joey Vindictive (of the Vindictives) performing with the aforementioned Vindictives circa 1991. It is awesome and I am going to get it framed...it such a candid shot of early 90's punk, and I am sure these band names mean nothing to anyone else but they mean a lot to me.
    He also gave me Maximumrockinroll's newest comp (he works there) as well as a copy of his bands CD. I always thought that Martin might be gay, and it turns out he was frontman for the seminal all gay hardcore punk band Limp Wrist (they often had All Bets Off opening for them, but they're much faster, shorter, and punk). They fucking shred. The lyrics are extremely offensive (they're pretty graphically gay, even if songs were about straight people they'd bee too much, but they deal with real issues), but you really can't understand the lyrics and the music is so awesome that I have no complaints.
    Too keep with the theme, Jerry Fallwell died and that rules! If Heaven is filled with people like him, I'll take Hell any day of the week.

Go Warriors!

2007-05-12T05:05:39Z

Man, the Warriors are amazing to watch right now. After 13 years of heartache it is awesome to see them playing will and blowing everyone's minds

I am really tired and have no will to do homework anymore. I have no ambition.

I feel really lonely.

Excited!

2007-05-10T05:50:45Z

I went out to dinner with my friend Eric tonight at Buffalo Bill's in Hayward, which is awesome because Eric is a great guy . Anyways, I ran into a guy there who used to be in a band that opened for our old band No-Direction, named Nick. So the guys are for the old band, Escape From Grey Skull, are in another band and need a singer and asked if I wanted to play around with them. I said yes and I hope they pan out to at least a live show. I don't sing as nasally as before and I think it could be a lot of fun. I can think of nothing better than being on stage again. Say what you want about No-Direction's music (and I'll agree), but Evan and I used to put on a fun show. I got Nick's (the guy from Escape From Grey Skull's) phone number and he got mine...hopefully this pans out!

I'm Feeling So Sick, Someone Give Me a Beer

2007-05-08T17:04:12Z

I wish I was in Hawaii right now with all of my friends just lounging on the beach...

Happy Cinco De Whatever

2007-05-06T06:53:19Z

I am fucking beat. My friend of 5 years yesterday asked if I had a black eye. I had to tell her, no, I am just that tired. I never sleep well anymore. A combination of stress, sadness, a pressure has left me getting about 5-6 hours of stressful and unproductive sleep every night.   I am over it.

    I had to take the Keiresy personality test other day at school and here some some lowlights of my personality as an "Extrovert, Sensitive, Feeling, Judge":

       "The most social of all types who idealize whatever or whoever they admire"

       "An outstanding host...at social gatherings can be observed attending to the needs of others trying to insure all others are comfortable and involved"

    "They are seldom become a source of irritation to their superiors, for they respect and obey the rules and regulations, are duty and service oriented"

    "They are aware of status and often depends on higher authority as the source of opinions and attitudes"

    " ESFJs wear their hearts on their sleeves and are outgoing in their emotional reactions. They need to be needed, loved, and appreciated and may spend much energy reassuring themselves that this is the case. They can become melancholy and depressed and even suicidal if they take take the blame for whatever might be wrong in their institution or their personal relationships-as they are prone to do"

    "They are soft hearted, sentimental...at the same time ESFJs can cause undue tension by expressing doom and gloom exhibiting a bent toward the pessimistic that can be contagious."

     "This type may marry alcoholics or those who are particularly needy."

    Great. I know half this shit is bullshit but great none the less.

     I am over meeting people. I went to this party/show deal tonight and it sucked. The band we were there for was good and I saw some old friends from college. However the reason it sucked because I don't get along well most people. I never got out of that adolescent phase of Holden Caulfield where I feel most people are "phonies". I don't know what to do. I hate going out, but I hate being at home. Here's a song:

"My Friend Peter"

I dont care who you've been sleeping with these days
You're outta my hair
It's growing just above my smiling face that I wear
Every night I drink myself to sleep
Not thinking about you
Not thinking about anything at all

I don't care who you've been dining with these days
It's more than fair
Much rather be drinking anyways
With my friend Peter
Who lives so fucking far away
Yet not as far as you
Even though you live right down my fucking street

And I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

I dont care who you've been kissing on these days
It's out of my hands
and in my mouth with such a pleasant taste
I need a beer to wash it all away without a trace
And then i'll drink 23 more
To wipe this stupid smile off my fucking face

I'm tired of sleeping with myself
I'm tired, all those drinks and drugs no longer help
I'm tired of lying about not thinking of you
Maybe my friend Peter can tell me what to do

Home Alone (Kinda Like the Movies)

2007-05-01T16:42:37Z

My parents left for France for a week today. This means that I am home alone. I wish I could have people over this weekend but I don't think I have time. Also my friend had a party a few weeks ago and he got some shit jacked and I am worried the same would happen at my house (I can see all of my dad's metal soldiers disappearing). Also I have new neighbors on either side of me, both with two very small children. I cannot imagine a decent sized group of people (say 20) listening to music lasting very long.

I have so much homework and housework to do. You never realize how much upkeep a whole house with a dog and two cats is until you're the only person and you're trying to take care of everything. I gotta get up, walk the dog, and get this goddamn assignment done.

Go Warriors!

Blarg!

2007-04-27T04:00:39Z

I am bummed out. My teach for my adolescents class did not go well today. My part went alright I guess but my partner's part sucked and we did not co-ordinate very well. We don't get graded upon our performance in this class, but I still hate when my group does shitty. Maybe we didn't do shitty and I am being too hard on myself...probably. Who knows? I am always too hard on myself. I get worried sometimes that I'll be too hard in myself if I ever get teaching.

Why do I ever start teaching?. Well, we talked in one of my classes today about how hard it is for us history teachers for a job. In fact it is not uncommon to go jobless for years as a history teacher in the Bay Area or LA or anywhere that isn't Bakersfield or Fresno. I have been told to maybe pass the English CSET because many schools won't take you as a history teacher without it.

I am tired and don't feel like going out this weekend. I feel like I have somehow pissed off some of my friends. I don't know why I get that feeling, but I do. I wish I was more cheerful, but I am not feeling it.

I Got A Mac and A Question

2007-04-23T23:09:56Z

I got a new Mac laptop and I was curious how you get AIM for...or how you get something that lets you talk to someone on AIM...

I Am Fucking Over It

2007-04-16T03:44:41Z

I hate this shit. All of it. Fuck it. I am so fucking pissed. I am fucking irrate.

I Believe in Truths and Moral Absolutes, But Hey What the Fuck Can I Do?

2007-04-12T17:19:39Z

This the second night in a row that I have woken up alone and in my little twin bed from high school at about 3 in the morning and been unable to sleep until about 5. I am as stressed as can be about all of the work that I have to have done for school in the next two weeks. Also I am doing a two day teach (it should be three, but I am doing two because that's all I have time for this week) on Monday and Tuesday and though I met with my master teacher for two hours on Tuesday, I feel unprepared. The reason that I feel so stressed about my teach in addition to feeling unprepared, is that my advisor from State is always pushing us to do extra, so even though I should only have to do two because my school is block schedual, he wants me to do three days...he is just going to have to shove it and let me do two. I have so much work to be doing and I don't want to do any of it, especially when I am so tired from not getting any sleep from being so stressed.

I also have little money right now which means that I cannot afford much. I just want to get out of the Bay Area right now, but that's not going to happen. Bleh....now off to write a 5 page case-study and analysis of myself in high-school examining myself by citing multiple outside sources to explain my behavior as an adolescent...and that's the easy assignment. Fucking bullshit. My weekend is going to be homework again. I just want to go back to bed.

And He Knows, That He Fakes It, That He's Doing Ok.

2007-01-25T19:22:11Z

I don't want to write another lame ass, emo, fucking journal entry, even though I want to, but I shall shy away from that for the time being.

I had my first day of school yesterday. The day was super chaotic and my class schedual is not fixed at all, but the two classes I had I really liked the professors. It's kind of weird being the youngest person in class. The age bracket is pretty much 28-50, plus me. This age differencial makes it kind of funny because I am younger and with the way that I dress and whatnot, the older folk kind of view me as a sample high school student. As a result if they're asking me a question about class they talk to me like an adult. If we're doing a group project, they switch into a teacher tone of voice with exclusively me. You know the tone I mean, the one that is a little too hight and a little too patronizing, and spoken a little too slowly. It makes me chuckle.   It is also is funny walking to my next class talking with a fellow student who is an ex-attorney about my dad's age.

I am also excited about the Golden State Warrirors. I have been watching pretty much every game this season and I am excited over this trade. I know they aren't doing great right now, but I know they'll turn it around. It is nice to see them play with some passion and some athelticisim. It sucks having been a fan for my whole life because they haven't made the playoffs since I think I was in elementary school, so really any spark excites me.

Bleh...that's all the good will I have right now. I am pretty under the weather.

Are You Fucking Serious?!?!

2007-01-24T07:43:26Z

I went on-line to check my scheudal for tomorow...for some reason I have been dropped from two of my classes and I cannot get back in. I need these classes to graduate. There might not be room in any of them. To top it all off I am starting to get sick. Why the fuck can't anything go my way??!??!?

I'm Not Like Them But I Can Pretend

2007-01-19T07:05:42Z

- I finally heard back from Sf State. I have an interview set up for Berkeley High on next Wednesday. I'll be competing with 3 other candidates for a job. I think I'll be able to handle it.

- I went to a show the other night and it was actually pretty decent. One of the bands were totally a new-Misfits style band (complete with a singer with a Devilock), and actually were pretty solid. I think their name was Muderland. The last band was from France and played a xDxIx cover which was awesome and had me shouting out loud and making an ass of myself in front of the 30 people in attendance.

- I want to play bass in a band. I looked up Craig's List openings for punk bass players...pretty slim pickins, but I might try out sometme. I miss playing music, and being on stage. I wouldn't have time to be too serious about it, but something with friends would be fun too.

- I still miss her tons. I cannot get over it. The whole thing makes me beyond sad.

- I finished Rome tonight...that show was fairly good.

Now off to watch O'Reily on the Colbert Report. I'll write more some other time.